My Mother (kinda sad)

I am really missing my mother this morning. She has been in heaven for almost thirteen years and while I miss her all the time some days it is more intense. Some days it feels like she is still here and I just want to sit and have my morning coffee with her. Is that too much to ask? I imagine her sitting at her kitchen table with her bagel, coffee and grapefruit juice. She is reading the newspaper. She has on her glasses, the ones that turn into sunglasses outside, but the light in the house always made them go dark and she would complain that she couldn’t see the newsprint.
I want to hug her gently. She was so tiny I always wondered how she ended up having such not-so-tiny daughters. I tend to miss her most in the morning, when the house is quiet and I am alone. We were supposed to be old ladies together. We had a plan. We were going to tint our gray hair blue and buy support hose together and go pick up our free cheese on Wednesdays. She was a very young 68 when she died. I was 32. We had a plan and I feel cheated.
I always thought it would be cool if we were neighbors and could just walk on over to visit with each other. It never occurred to me she would leave so soon. She was seldom sick. But when she got sick it wasn’t pretty. Cancer isn’t a pretty disease.
I was surprised toward the end that she was mourning all the things she wouldn’t get to do. Wait a minute. What about me? Aren’t you going to miss me?? I’m losing my mother here. But nope, it was all about her as well it should have been. But I was feeling my impending loss so greatly that it shocked me to realize what a loss it was for her. How stupid of me.
The anniversary of her death is next month. I try to ignore it, to forget the dates. One year a ‘friend’ of mine called to see how I was doing. Fine, I told her. She kept on, wanting to know was I really fine? Yes, fine. She kept it up. I asked her why she was asking me and she she answered with ‘you know’. No, I didn’t. Not until she finally said ‘it’s the anniversary of your mother’s death!’ Oh. Yes. Well, um, I was fine but now I am bummed like anything. Thanks for reminding me. Friend. In my family we try to slide past those days, knowing full well our loved one wouldn’t want us to be sad and dwell on it. They would want us to be happy. So in March I try to be happy and ignore the days. But usually sometime in January or February I get my day to dwell anyway. I don’t know who decides when that day will be but it happens every year. I start missing her like crazy and it feels like she is still here and I just want to sit and have my morning coffee with her. Is that too much to ask?